Today’s blog post is a little different because it’s deeply honest, but I really felt God leading me to share it. I hope it encourages you!
Yesterday, my words froze on my lips nearly every time I tried to speak. I would plan a whole sentence in my head, open my mouth to say it, and. . .silence. I never even stuttered outwardly yesterday, because the tension literally trapped my voice inside. My tongue just felt as if it were in one big knot. Every once in a while, two or three words would tumble out fluently, but the tension was never far behind.
Sometimes, stuttering is relatively easy, meaning that it doesn’t create much tension in my body. Other times, it is literally so intense and so exhausting that even the best techniques don’t help. This was one of those times. I eventually got to the point where I really didn’t want to talk, because I knew what would happen. It’s not that I couldn’t speak. I could have kept fighting against the tension until I broke it, but it just wasn’t worth the exhaustion…
As I silently observed conversations happening around me, my mind recounted all the blessings of the past couple of months, and I became upset at myself. God has graciously allowed some of my writing about stuttering to be published for millions of people to see. He has allowed me to come so far on this journey, but yet, I’m reverting back into my shell today. I’m watching life happen in front of me, while I sit back and let my stutter silence me. How can I genuinely write about stuttering, when I’m having such a hard day myself?
I doubted my sincerity. I doubted whether God could really use me to advocate for other people who stutter.
We all have hard days when we feel like nothing goes right. All of us have experienced that feeling of suddenly falling from a mountaintop into a valley. Those feelings are okay, as long as we don’t dwell on them. Eventually, we have to pick ourselves up and reclaim God’s sweet promises.
The truth is that we are all human, and it’s okay to have a hard day. The hard days are usually the times that grow us the most! And here’s the amazing promise: God will always give us the strength to endure the hard days, grow from them, but then redirect our focus to all the blessings He’s given us.
Does my stutter bring really difficult, discouraging days? Yes. Sometimes, it frustrates me beyond belief. But is it still a blessing that I praise God for? YES.